Poem, for I feel like it.

Slipping softly though the waves,
Reminded of long gone days,
Fearful of what is to come,
Swimming under Summer's sun.
Do I do the thing I fear?
Do I chase what is not here?
Think of how I failed before...
Dare I once more choose that Door,
Or shall I, shall, I shall I,
Shall I wait for something more.

There was a time free of Fear.
Free to seek what brought me cheer.
Those were days of heavy toll,
Teaching me my given Role.
Worthless, thoughtless, truly damn'd--
Greedy--- more is my demand.
Poison within my own Mind
Casting all I love behind.
And ever wanting, wanting,
Ever wanting something kind.

So should I go, face my self,
Or table all, firmly shelf.
Things I feel, confuse me so
Learning how to rightly go
Yet never really knowing--
Fears inside ever growing--
So how can I do rightly?
Is this normal, just slightly?
And how, oh how, oh and how,
How do I hold on tightly?

So that's it. Not sure if I like it or not, and the meter was awkward, though I stuck to it. I hate the constraints or a rhyme-and-meter poem, but most folk just don't get free verse... Though I feel that's where I excel.

Anyway, I'm calling it "Sanity" 'cause that's basically what this puppy was about.

Matricide: Is it an option?

So I have never posted an angry, or at least not a truly furious entry here... That changes now.

Why the fuck do I bother with this shit? By which I mean, attempt to appease my mother. It isn't possible. I've been rather angry with her a lot lately, but tonight I'm enraged. I'm very nearly ready to kill her. I really, really don't need her shit anymore. I'm pissed. So very, very pissed.

And that's really all I want to say on the matter. Right now, it's taking all I have not to punch her in the face, or stab her, or something. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate her.

"Blogs are just nerd graffiti"

Quote is from Twitter, @kellyoxford. And I must say, I agree. Especially since I'm a nerd, posting to her blog. I love my nerd status, though.

In fact, drop a D&D reference, I'll get it immediately, without a doubt. Trek reference, as long as it's original or next gen related, then I'll get that as well. I love anime. And scifi. And fantasy. And horror.... Anything, really, to help me escape from reality.

Which, I think, may be the root of part of my problems. I don't like the real world, and I don't relate to it well. And though reality may be subjective, the reality I perceive still often sucks balls. Hatred for something perceived as a choice, that I probably never would've chosen for myself, ever, in a million years...

All right, changing subject now. I'm pissing myself off.

Yesterday, while randomly driving by a Planned Parenthood clinic, Ultra-Conservatives were protesting outside. With a miniature crucified Jesus. Why? I actually found it slightly amusing.

Also yesterday, put my foot directly into my mouth, on a subject I so should know better about... Ended well, though, so it's all good.

And that's really all today. As I've stated before, comments make my day.

(no subject)

So far, this is one of those days, where although I have things I need and even want to do, I can't seem to find the motivation to really get moving today. I've done the things that have to be done every day, thank goodness, but I should be considering doing something to get in some extra income, as the paltry amount I get from the government in the form of an SSI check covers absolutely nothing. Well, I can get it to cover my cigarettes for the month, but that's about it.

So I'm faced with this dilemma: Do I get a real job, or do I start seriously churning out jewelry that I can sell? I have nothing against  getting a real job, but I have never really had one... The issue with making jewelry is that the little finger on my left hand, the one that I broke by falling out of bed, has really been bothering me lately, and I usually end up holding it at odd angles while I'm making jewelry, whether hemp or beaded. It should be noted however, that  I use that finger a lot while playing Rift, so the whole pain issue could very well be psychological.

In other news... Well, I suppose there is no other news. I'm collecting a Twitter following, slowly but surely, and evidently I'm quite popular in real life as well. That's about it. So... Yeah.

And please, if you've read this, comment. It really will make my day.

I'm not dead yet!

So... I've been being lazy for way too long, not updating this thing. Many wonderful things have happened in the interim... For one thing, I have begun playing Rift, and it's quite possibly the best game I've ever played. And I've played a whole heck of a lot of games. I RP on there, and I'm not that great at it, yet, but I'm working at getting better. And while this is the first game I've ever played where I had to do what can only be considered homework to accurately portray my character and make a halfway decent back story for her... I'm having a lot of fun, every time I play.

So if you're reading this, you play Rift, and you're on the Faeblight shard, send a tell to Anaxakharis, we'll do a scene... I could use the practice.

Also wonderful, I've met someone, sort of. That is to say, we haven't physically met yet, but we've been talking quite a bit, and we seem, so far, to be very, very compatible... And this is part of the reason I've not posted. I spend an awful lot of time just talking about nothing with her. She cracks me up almost every other minute, and I'm really enjoying the slow, gradual get-to-know-you thing we're doing. I really like her, and she'll kill me if she knows I've said this, but I think she's absolutely adorable... Yeah, I like her a lot.

In other news, my eyebrow was recently pierced, and I think it looks pretty good. I'm gradually easing myself back into that sort of thing. More piercings will follow. I also plan to finally add color to my uncolored dragon tattoo, which is an "about damn time!" thing for me. I may or may not get another tattoo or two after that's done with... I like getting inked and pierced, though I don't look the type who would, which is probably why people are shocked when they find I have tattoos the first time. It's a huge expense, and I am really poor now, as always, but I've been feeling awesome lately, and doing awesome, so I'm seriously thinking about treating myself. I know it'll be fun.

All right, that's really all I have to say. I will try to get back into posting here. And if anyone actually reads this, comment. It'll make my day.

I'm back!

Went camping over the weekend... It was pretty awesome. Went out to the Shenandoah Valley, Natural Chimneys State Park... And as someone who still maintains a deep passion for geology, it was pretty cool just looking at the rock formations... Lots of swimming was done in nearby Stokesville, which in my opinion is quite possibly the best name for a town ever. There was a pond fed by an underground stream that I dove into, and immediately regretted, because it was so cold that once I surfaced I had to struggle to inhale... It was pretty great. Then there was the reservoir, with the tower that I jumped off of... I have pics taken by friends, coming at the end.

Yesterday was a typical Monday. Nothing interesting happened, just did my usual all day. Therefore, I have no excuse for why I didn't update this then...

Something random before I go... While going through my cell, found this: "Moonlight casts its shadow over me/ this darkened land where rivers/ run red with blood/ pinprick stars/ bleed into my soul/ Death whispers my name/ I turn/ and see/ myself" It's definitely something I wrote. And it's dated 8-30-08, which is either just before or just barely after my only serious suicide attempt... The one that almost worked. I'd been in emotional pain for a very long time at that point in my life... In fact it's only been about six months since I've really started feeling better about myself and the world I live in.

All right, enough of that crap. Here's pics:
Welcome to Downtown Stokesville!

This is downtown Stokesville... Photo taken by a friend.

A picture of the natural chimneys. Photo by same friend as above.

The Tower

The Tower...  Photo by same friend.

My jump

Me, about to hit the water after jumping... Photo by a completely different friend.

Well, that's all for now.

Procrasinate much?

I have been meaning to do this for THREE DAYS now, but I haven't gotten around to it, (or a round tuit, either). Life hasn't been in the way at all, in fact, I'm actually busier today than I have been all week, but the stuff inside my head decided that it's ready to come out, and so who am I to argue?

So.. Sunday I bought "The Red Tree" by Caitlin R. Kiernan... Began reading it about, hmm, let's say 11 Monday morning... Got two pages in, and realized I had to stop... Not because I didn't like it, but because I figured out I needed to get my dailies done ASAP so I could dedicate the rest of my day to finishing it without being required to stop, for anything. And except for a meeting I couldn't avoid, that's exactly what I did. I actually cooked two meals while still reading it. Multitasking for the win! (Eh, pretend I didn't just say that.) The last book I was that into was the Encyclopedia of Serial Killers, Third Edition... Which took a mere 36 hours to read cover to cover. Also something that really shouldn't be asked about, because no matter what I say about it, it's gonna make me sound creepy... Or creepier, depending on how well one knows me. So... Yeah. Book was awesome, by the way, in every meaning of that word. Reading it again as soon as I have the time. Maybe it'll be my birthday present to me.

Anyway, as soon as I finished it, went to sleep... Which yeah, turned out to be not the greatest idea I've ever had... Really bizarre dreams for most of the night. More bizarre than my usual, actually, and I dream some pretty weird shit. Nothing I really remember, now, except for vauge images of underground cathedrals and people wearing pig masks seemingly celebrating Bacchanalia... Hmm, then again, that isn't that unusual for me. Except for the pig masks. Pigs are creepy. And delicious.

Tuesday... Nothing happened. Stayed home, worked on some jewelry projects, did some introspection, reflected some more on my current beta reading project... Fought with Mother on who was the true grammar nazi of the family, which unfortunately, she won. Oh, and she asked if she could read "The Red Tree" since I was done, and she thought the cover looked interesting... And I said sure... But then I proceeded to inform her that there was "girl on girl lovin' " within... Exactly how I put it, too. I try to keep my language a bit cleaner around my folks out of respect. Her response was "OH." and she set the book down and backed away, as if she could catch something from holding it. Made me giggle for a bit.

I now somewhat wish I hadn't warned her, as one of my favorite pastimes is freaking my mom the fuck out. And knowing when she hit the first "scene," she'd flush, shut the book, set it down, and try and blank her mind. Which would've been really funny to see... But then she'd probably be pissed at me... And since I currently live rent-free in her house, that makes it less worth it.

Tonight, a good friend of mine is cooking me dinner, and I'm stoked for it. Nobody's cooked for me in a long time, cooked well for me in even more time than that. And while I really enjoy cooking, it's nice to have someone else do it for you.

Tomorrow, Thursday, is the 28th anniversary of my birth. Which is fine, but I'm really not that into birthdays anymore... So I'm glad I'm just doing my usual Thursday things. I was born on a Thursday... Thursday's child has far to go, or so the nursery rhyme says. Guess that's true enough of me.

Well, I feel I've typed enough for today... Got things to do n ow, anyway, so I should probably get started.

Oh and evidently it's Geek Day, so happy.. that.

Doin' the dumb thing again...

As I sit here, with a splitting headache and blood seeping from a hole near my eyebrow, I gotta ask myself: What the FUCK was I thinking?!

Allow me to explain: Many years ago, before it was cool, I got my eyebrow pierced... About a year ago, I went in for minor surgery (fell out of bed and broke my pinky... What can I say? I'm accident prone), at which time I was informed I had to remove all my jewelry.. After surgery, forgot to replace the eyebrow ring, ant the hole eventually closed.

Fast-forward to this morning, when I decided to try and re-open the piercing by shoving one of my old eyebrow rings into where the piercing USED to be.... And it hurt. A lot. Needless to say, I was not successful. And now, my brain hurts. Which I guess is okay, because I obviously wasn't using it at the time. So yeah, that's how I started my day.

In other news...  Well, there is no other news. Go have a wonderful day, and don't do anything I would do.
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A tad bit irked...

Spent some time fooling around on YouTube today... Flitted from subject to subject, watched some music videos, looked up the scene in "Bitch Slap" that featured Lucy Lawless and Renee O'Connor (what can I say? I'll be a X:WP fan until the day I die, and quite honestly, that was the only part of that movie worth watching...), got struck by the fancy to see if there were any interviews with people I admire...

Fine and good, until I read the comments... Someone I respect and admire who'd had an interview posted had comments from viewers ONLY pertaining to their gender... WHY DOES IT MATTER?!! Seriously, people, get over your damned Christian morality and open your eyes.  People are people. Fer reelz, yo. Lifestyle "choices" should not matter... Says the bi gal.

Just noticed what I just typed... I wonder if "damned Christian morality" qualifies as an ironic statement. I'd check, but I'm feeling lazy... And I'm not anti-Christian, I'm anti-hypocrisy and anti-anti-gay... If that makes sense.  (I'm not Christian, though I do believe in letting people practice whatever  they choose.)

On a more cheerful note, spent the majority of the day out of doors... Though it was pretty frikkin warm out today, I get tired of staring at the same four walls all the damn time. Television only helps so much. Perhaps it is time for me to get a "real job" possibly even necessary if I really want to go ahead and go to college... Hopefully this time I'll finish. I think I've found something that'll hold my interest this time... Maybe.

I do still want to do something with my childhood fascination with Geology, but I came to the crushing realization a long time ago that there's simply no money in it... If I wanted to be in the field, anyway, and I most certainly would. Computers seem the way to go nowadays, and I enjoy doing stuff with them as well... Besides, chemistry was frikkin HARD... Whole durned class went straight over my head. Pfft. Though at the time I took it, it was the first time I'd ever had to work to get something, which may explain why I lost interest.

Oh, just remembered something else that's been getting on my nerves lately.... Anti-smoking ads. I realize teen smoking is a problem, and I acknowledge that the tobacco companies target children...  BUT! that's not why I began smoking, and I didn't start until I was 21. I started because I was hanging out in gay bars, and EVERYBODY there seemed to be smoking, and the best way to keep the smoke from bothering you is to contribute to it. And even if "Big Tobacco" stopped with the kiddie-friendly ads, teens would still smoke... It's a way to rebel. Just 'cause I rebelled in other ways, doesn't mean it'd work for others.

So yeah. That's all for today. Go forth, and multiply! Or something...
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